مجرد خواطر : ماذا قد أتمني بعد...!!

و ماذا بعد....حقا ماذا بعد...ضحكنا...تكلمنا...مدد

ت لك يد العون و أنت قبلتها...أعطيتني وردة فأبقيتها معي حتي ذبلت في كتابي المفضل
و لكن ماذا بعد....حقا ماذا بعد...تبادلنا الأسرار....و أعطيتني مفاتيح ماضيك فرفضت أن أفتح أنا بها باب ذكرياتك المؤلمة لخوفي عليك من الحزن و الألم.... ثم حكيت لك أنا عن ذكرياتي المؤلمة دون الخوف من الشعور بالحزن و الكآبة فقط لأنك معي.....ثم بكيت بين ذراعيك...فبللت دموعي قميصك المفضل...
و لكن ماذا بعد....حقا ماذا بعد.... نظرت إلي نظرات الحبيب المشتاق.... فأحمرت وجنتي.... و تمنيب وقتها أن نتكلم.... و لكننا صمتنا و صمتنا.... فكان للصمت معني آخر يعبر عما بيننا
و لكن ماذا بعد ....حقا ماذا بعد... وجدتنا نمشي معنا في منتصف الطريق و المطر يغمرنا....و لا نهتم لنظرات الناس لنا ....أعطيتني يدك الدافئة التي يزينها وعدنا المقدس لأشعر بالأمان.... و تصبح أدماني المفضل
و ماذا قد أتمني بعد ذلك...... حقا ماذا قد أتمني بعد...!!

مجرد خواطر : و سْأبقي ْأنا....!!

بالرغم من أختلاف المواسم..... تضارب الأجواء...... و مرور السنين.... لطلما أحببت البقاء وحدي مع قطرات المطر.... عشقت أنغام معينة لن أتوقف عن حبها طوال ما حييت.... أحمل في داخلي ذكريات لايزال لها نفس الصدي في قلبي.... هذه الأبتسامة التي تجلبها....الدمعة التي تذكرها..... الآهة التي تدفعها فتخرج من القلب قوية كأول مرة خرجت فيها
و بالرغم من أختلاف المواسم....... تضارب الأجواء...... و مرور السنين....... لطلما ابهرتني السماء في صفاءها..... ْأسعتدني رؤية وردة حمراء مزهرة...... و لم ْأتوقف عن عادة الْأحتفاظ بالْأشياء البسيط منها.... قبل النفيس لما تحمله من ذكريات و لما تذكرني به من ْأشخاص......و ستظل تختلف المواسم..... تتضارب الأْجواء..... و تمر السنين و سْأبقي ْأنا......كما أْنا...!!

مجرد خواطر : إلي كل من يهمه الأمر.....!!

إلي كل من يهمه الأمر..... أو من لا يهمه شئ علي الأطلاق....
تمنيت اليوم أن أجد أحد من هؤلاء الذين يهمهم الأمر فقط لكي أنظر في عينيه ....و أستمد هذا الأهتمام الذي بدأت نفسي أن أفقده.... و لكني وجدت نفس الوجوه التي أراها كل يوم ....عليها نفس أبتسامة الغد و ما قبله.... نفس الدعابات القديم.... و النظرات الذابلة التي تصتنع الأهتمام بحديث ممزق أو حكاية لم يتغير فيها سوي المكان و بعض الأسماء..... وجدت نفس الأنفاس..... نفس النبضات لم يتغير شئ... و لا شئ لا جديد يذكر.... أو يدعو للأهتمام

مجرد خواطر : عندما....!!

عندما يضحي البعض من أجل حصول البعض الأخر علي أبسط حقوقهم في التمتع بحياة طيبة تستحق عناء البقاء..... عندما يحد البعض نظره عن أخطاء البعض الأخر من أجل حصول من يحب علي أبسط أحتياجتهم للعيش بسلام "مستورين".....
عندما يقتل البعض ضمائرهم و يقتلون معها البعض الأخر من أجل أرضاء رغبة شهوانية في رؤية رقم أكبر..... عندما يفقد البعض برائتهم فقط لأن البعض الأخر لا يملك قلب رحيم ليعطف عليهم.....
عندما يغرق البعض في التفكير في الغد بينما يعمل البعض الأخر من أجل توفير غدا أفضل .....
عندما ينسي البعض من يحبوهم يؤمن البعض الأخر أن سر الحياة يكمن في العطاء من دون أنتظار مقابل.....
عندما تنتهي من قرأة هذه الخواطر أعلم أنه بالرغم من أنك قد تكون من البعض أو قد تكون من البعض الأخر ألا أنني في كلتا الأحوال أهديك "عندما" فارغة لتملأها من أجلي.... و لكم أتمني أن تملأها بالحب

مجرد خواطر : مرآتي ...!!!

عندما تنظر إلي المرآة تذكر أنني لا أراك كما تري نفسك.....لا أراك كمجرد شكل جميل.... هيئة... و ملامح محببة إلي قلبي.... تذكر أنني أراك بعين مختلفة.... مختلفة عما ينظر إليك من خلالها الأخرين..
عندما تنظر إلي المرآة تذكر أنني...وأنا وحدي.... أراك كما يراك قلبي...صورة كاملة لقلب كبير قد أكتمل نموه يحمل في خصائصه صفات الطفولة و برائتها...
عندما تنظر إلي المرآة فلتتأكد أنني لن أغلقها إبدا عن رؤيتك....و لتعلم أن عيني ستبقي دائما و أبدا المرآة الوحيدة التي تريك جمال حقيقتك.....حقيقتك التي وحدي أنا أراها... بمرآتي..!!

letters to the unknown.......the 3rd letter

Dear unknown ,
iam too scared and feeling lonely like nv before....iam tired of waiting for u....iam tired of staying alone in this world for another long tiring day....i wana feel ur presence...i wana smell u ...i wana feel u when u're not there...i hate it when u're gone...i hate it when i know ur not real...when i know ur not there...it hurts when i know that ur presence is a fake illusion i've created so not to feel alone...that those late night chats was just me talking to myself...when i know that being lonely is a fact and not a choice i can make when ever i need to...and i wana believe those letters are going to be read one day...i really wana believe...but everyday passes by...scare me more...iam afraid to grow old writing such letters...iam afraid to grow old alone !!..
i search for u....i want to see u again...yes i miss u...and i went on searching for u in each and every eye i look at...but i nv found u...i search for u..in everyone i talk to...in each word....each look...but u're always not there....and i wonder...will i ever be able to find u...to kiss those eyes i miss so much...
i wana feel save....warm...i wana feel weak so for u to feel my weakness and protect me...and i wana feel strong bec u're always there beside me...i wana feel those extremely wild feelings i hear about....this shiver i always feel while watching a love scene in a movie in the middle of the night....i wana find u so i can sit and talk with u for hours and nv get bored for running out of topics...cause u...and just u....is the only one i can talk to about everything...and in everything
dear unknow i promised myself not to stop writing those letters i write for u...they are not helpful as i thought they are going to be...cause everytime i come back and read one of those letters i wrote...i feel them again...and this feeling of loneliness inc...and i miss u more...but....i cant stop what connect me with u....or what i think connect me with u...i cant stop telling u how i feel...i cant stop loving u..
i cant stop being with u...cause i feel u...i feel ur presence...i smell u in each breath i take...and i always feel u there...in every step i take...u're real...even if every thing around me told me ur not...ur real...i believe in u !!

letters to the unknown......the 2nd letter

Dearest My unknown ,
i just felt like i need to talk to u ...it's been like alot that i didnt tell u about...alot that i may not be able to remember ...but iam not worried cause i wont bother u with the silly details that wont matter anyway...i just felt like iam living the best and the worst days of my life ....living the days which i most need u in...to laugh with me and most of all to be by my side supporting me through those tough days ...i needed u in the past days to see the signs that i was too blind to see and warn me before i fall...i dont know maybe if u were here by my side ..i wouldnt have let those signs appear in the first place ...u know i just felt suddenly that all the ppl are almost the same...jerks ...but the difference is how they hide it ....how clever they are....for how long they can fool u ...but in the end ..the result is the same...that's why iam afraid ...iam afraid to nv find u...or imagine that i've found u then find out that i found nothing ...cause at that time who will see the signs for me ??!...who will help me before i fall ??!....
u know what hurt me the most ... is that there are some ppl who can actually kill u and go to sleep at the end of the day as if they've done nothing....they can watch u die and laugh at the end...that life is unfair and still i didnt find u till now while i really need u now more than ever ....what hurt me the most is that iam bothering myself with every detail in everyone's around me life while iam getting nothing...that's why i need u ...bec i know u will give me what i didnt get from others ...u will hug me this hug i've needed alot of times and instead of having it i gave it ...
those last days were the best...i laughed like nv before..i lived the past with all it's wonderful memories..i found the signs that were there all the time...have u ever felt soo confused to an extend that everything seem soo clear infront of u like nv before ??!!... soo depressed to an extend that everything seem soo cheerful like nv before ?!!..that's how i felt those last couple of days...soo confused with my thoughts that every though took it's path and appeared so clear that i can see and understand like nv before...soo depressed that i remembered every ting detail that used to make me smile and laugh till my stomach hurt...i felt soo happy that nothing in the world can make me sad again although i felt that alot of terrible things are happening ....but nothing in the world can take my smile away now ...no jerk in the world can be allowed to break my heart cause he wont deserve to have it in the first place...
those last couple of days showed me everything...changed alot of my ideas and thoughts...maybe they were meant to be like this to change me...to change the shape of my heart to fit u....u know what and i've changed ..changed alot...i see things with differently that i feel as if it's my first time to see them....i smell things differently that the red roses smell is even better...i see love differently that loving u seem to be even stronger that can keep me waiting as much time as it's gone take.
iam still waiting for u ...are u still waiting for me too ??!....i hope so...cause i know looking at everything with ur eyes sounds different...seeing the signs with ur eyes looks safer....supporting myself with ur hands till i find them...feeling strong with ur heart till u come ...keep on thinking of me ..i nv forget u .

letters to the unknown........the 1st letter

Dear unkown ,
i hope where ever u are to be enjoying ur time and having fun ..missing me as much as i do..and wishing to find me as soon as possible...and i wish this soon as possible is really soon !!
as even if i asked how u are and how's everything going i wont get an answer ....i'll choose to skip the formal talk and go straight ahead to the reason that drove me to start writing such letters that alot of ppl will translate as i've lost my mind or iam feeling a very huge emotional gap that's driving me crazy and acutally iam not shy to admit that iam living a real emotional gap that i have to face everyday..every time it get dark and iam sitting alone..i feel everytime i listen to a love song which is a habit iam used to doing everyday..whenever i see a romantic movie.. i even feel itwhen i see a red rose....so maybe they are right...not maybe !! ...yeah they are right..iam living such a huge emotional gap that's getting wider with time.... but everytime it get wider i get used to it more and i start to get professional in dealing with it .
i know u must be asking what u have to do with all this talk...but plz u have to get used that i talk alot... i just love explaining things that are not even semi related to each other and i hope who ever u are..u're going to understand me and figure out what iam talkin about!! ...and it's going to be easy if u figured me out...which i admit wont be such an easy task !!
well to cut it short...cause iam not sure if u're gone be a big fan of reading which i hope u'll be ...i just felt i'd love to write u some letters that u can read when i find u ...i just felt that u deserve to know what iam going throw without u ...to share me my emotions that destiny didnt give us the chance to share together...i just fear to forget any of the things i felt that i'd love to share with u ...fear to forget any of the feelings that if u were here u'd be the first one to know about...that's why i wanted to write these letters...to remind me of each and every detail my memory would cheat me with and forget...
u know that one of the weirdest things i already feel i wont forget....is that i always feel u around ...iam even kind of imagining how u look like...ur voice...ur laugh...walk ...even ur face when u get angry...i can imagine that...maybe bec i feel that i already know what kind of personality and what type of man is going to win my heart i can predict how u look like ...maybe !!!...but yet even if my imagination is wrong i still feel that u are always around...sometimes when i feel that everything is just going in the wrong direction i look at the sky to the most bright star and imagine it's ur eyes ...that's when i feel that all my worries are gone ...that's when i feel that u are there telling me not to worry ...holding my hand ...leading me to the right path again...then leaving my hand and walking beside me ...cause u believe iam strong enough to walk alone ....cause u believe in me ....cause u believe ur role in my life is to support me not to walk me where u want me to be ....like a father...a big brother...a true faithful friend....i feel u beside me everytime i laugh ....i feel ur arms around me everytime i cry ...i feel ur support everytime iam down....i feel ur company everytime iam lonely...cause u are the soul that's meant to complete me ...the heart that beats on the same rythm as mine...the mind that has what's missing for mine to be perfect ...a part of me that will always be there ....that will always be around ...

!!...ONE MAN

He is an angle.......a gift...... a noble hero from an old ancient legend...... that strong man who nv fear crying in my arms like a cute child..... that solid personailty that carries a heart of a babe...... who figure the tears in my eyes before i cry......who makes me laugh in a million different way........ who makes me feel like a queen and always treads me as one .......who appreciate every tiny detail in me and about me.........who made me understand the meaning of feeling warm in the middle of winter........the meaning of a red rose in an ordinary day.....of feeling that i belong to someone every time i look to my hand and see my wedding ring.......of knowing that my smile can always brighten his heart no matter what mood he is in......the meaning of a silent hug that carry me to a safe sleep , the meaning of forgivness........of candles and a slow dance.......of the late long night chats beside the fire with one cup of tea and one blanket........of smelling his perfume on my pillow and finding a " i love u " note beside me when i wake up in the morning.......the meaning f the fast heart beats.......shy smile.......of finding my soul mate who say exactly what goes on my mind.......and second half who complete my heart and soul and mind....the meaning of finding hope.....friendship.....the future.......my dreams and love in one look.......in one heart .... In one man

My Diaries

why while everything is just perfect u still feel that yet there is something missing ?.......and the moment in which u laughing too hard u feel that u want to share someone else but the ones u are already sitting with ur smile ?........
those questions arent directed to committed ppl........they are just directed to the single ones........ i dont know if iam the only one out there who have felt this before......but i really do feel that there is something missing and i feel it all the time.......not bec iam lonely....but bec sometimes there are some emotions u feel that u cant share except with the one u accepted to share ur life with.....there are some feelings that u feel that no one will understand but the one u've called ur soul mate.....and sometimes there is no suitable place to cry on but the shoulder of the one u know that will always understand u....even if u're crying for no specific reason....
and sometimes laughing too hard seems worthless without knowing that at the end of the day u'll find someone waiting for u to recall all the events of ur day and laugh at them again but with a different taste this time.....and sometimes working too hard seems worthless without knowing that someone out there will share u ur glory and success.....
and even if u do believe everything happens in it's time...u still hope it's time is now...meeting alot of ppl wondering whom is mr/mrs right who u're going to walk ur path with....while knowing that no one of all those ppl u've met can fill this place even if they are perfect u still believe the best is still yet to come .....
waiting for my best to come....trying to fill my diaries with all the events happening in my life so that one day i'll read them loud and laugh at them with the missing one .......with a different taste...

My Diaries

for those who think that those kind of notes called "my diaries" are not that much worth reading i say " iam not writing those notes for u ppl to like.....i just feel like i want to talk to someone and go on talking and talking about things that are not related to each other and yet can go on talkin about boring details without feeling like bothering the listeners which are in this case my poor notes.....i just felt like i need to start writing how i feel at the moment in which iam writing at....no matter what ppl are going to think about what i've wrote.....write without organizing my thoughts....i thought maybe one day while writing i'll get some of my usefull thoughts out of their prison....maybe i'll write something useful or maybe one day i can help someone know that he is not the only one who passed through such feelings or felt such emotions and that there is someone out there one day felt the same as he did before......i felt that i need to write my thoughts and read them....maybe i'll understand me that iam trying hard to understand her complicated personality .
while trying to feel better and pass one of the most terrible years i've lived in my life......i went on thinking was my decisions in life right all along the way ??!!.....
maybe i went on trying to make others happy that i forgot to look at what would make me and only me happy so i can get to share my happiness with those others....and while trying to help others get through what iam feeling that i'll nv get through....i went on thinking that maybe iam just fed up with sadness that i dont want to know what is like to be sad anymore .....
and while trying to convince others that everything happens for a reason....i went on thinking for the reasons behind what is happening to me ....and i guess i've found all the possible reasons which are at the same time the same reasons that can make me happy and help me reach my dreams and target in life which is make a change in where ever iam going to be .
and it wasnt that easy for me to accept the fact that iam seeing injustice with my own eyes reaching all of us without any mercy and nv have the chance to back it off....but i went on convincing myself that the best way i can fight what iam feeling is trying to be the best of the best where ever iam going to be.....to shine in where ever allah wants me to be .
and it shocks u that the best "you" appears in the worst moments .....u reach ur highest score of being a better person in the worst days of ur life......
maybe this is not right for everyone but it was all the time right for me .......
so while i was shocked with seeing my worst nightmares coming true.....i found the ultimate happiness of praying while crying in the hands of allah.....to feel that allah is watching over me telling me that maybe tom will bring it's best and even more....it's best that i've nv expected before and more than i can even imagine....i found the ultimate happiness of feeling satisfied without a specific reason....satisfied for being sure that allah will nv let me down .
while i was shocked.....i found the ultimate happiness of having a strong mum who stands beside me and give me the strength to go on and stand up and be stronger.....give me strength to know that life will move on and i have to move on with it and reach the top where i deserve to be .
that's why i went on writing those notes ..... just to remind myself of what makes this life worth living...no matter how much i see through my days which are supposed to be the happiest days of my life.....i write them so i can read them again one day and see how much i've changed through the years ....i write them bec i want to share what i feel with others....mayeb i will find someone out there feeling the same way as i feel.... i write them just bec i felt like writing them and maybe that's enough for me to go on writing them even if no one but me is going to read them .

My Diaries

suddenly i felt that i have to say sorry about what i meant to do and what i didnt mean to do ..... iam sorry if one day i hurt someone on purpose or with out any intentions to do so ...... sorry for depending on my first impressions with some ppl and not giving them the chance to be themselves while being with me ...... iam sorry that sometimes "me" wasnt that delighting to someone or wasnt even wanted by another ..... sorry for fearing telling the truth so not to make someone angry while the truth was just the right thing to say at that moment ...... sorry for hurting those close to my heart and making them suffer for me ..... sorry for not appreciating the littile details in my life ......and sorry that i've wasted most of it crying for not having what wasnt really worth having ...... sorry for being loyal to who didnt deserve a thing .....and sorry for being late in doing something i believed in .....and most of all sorry for wasting a big part of my life arguing with the most ppl i love instead of telling them how much i love them .
i just felt that it has been a long time since i last sad sorry when i wanted to......even when others hurt me i felt like those good times we've shared and those laughs we've had.....this uniqe relation i've tasted with them is enough to forgive them or to not think whose the one to blame in this and say sorry.....even if some ppl blamed me for this....i wasnt that concerned about what will ppl think....cause i felt that one day those close to my heart will notice that i've done this for our memories....i've done this for our laughs....that i've done this just bec i love them and they mean alot to me.....bec those times we've shared together still mean a thing for me and sure they mean or meant a thing for them too .
and althought i might have hurt alot of ppl and i swear most of the time it wasnt meant ....but i kept on thinking that they know me enough to understand that i cant be hurting them on purpose....but still when u love someone too much and u get hurt by them even if they didnt mean it.....u nv think....u nv take it easy and try to find them an excuse....u just feel hurt not bec u are a narrow minded person....but just bec u loved them too much that they were the last ppl to expect getting hurt by....that's why i've nv blamed those who blamed me on whatever....still i hoped they would have calmed down and thought about it before we lose it all....but one thing and only one thing made me feel better about it which that their anger from me just mean that they truly loved me and that what really mattered for me aside from the fact that i may have lost this love while iam sure they will nv ever lose my love for them .
so at night when all those thoughts just rose in my head.... i felt that it's nv a bad thing saying sorry and not thinking whose the one to blame about what had happened.... but just say sorry......it's nv bad to say i truly miss u and i love u so much.... cause losing someone who used to be so close to u.....who used to be a gr8 part of ur daily life is soo hard and losing them bec of ur pride to say iam sorry is even harder..... bec one day time will pass by and u will forget the reason why u lost them , the only thing that will remain is that this person is no more in the picture of ur life.....although the pic of the past was just composed of u and them ....
i love my future pic and i truly wish it was a mix of my past pic and my future pic but we dont always get what we want , do we ??!!

Life...different concepts that form a man......promises

a promise is a promise...a man's word counts and must be respected...concepts and principles we've lost by time.....morals that are supposed to be there no matter what... no matter how fast life changes..to the worst !!
whenever i give a promise i try as hard as i can to nv break it...i dont know but while i was growing up i saw my dad dealing with his promises the same way...talking about how promises make a man...how a promise is supposed to be respected...in whatever...he taught me as long as i promise anyone something...i have to do it....i must do it !!....or...i wont promise it the first place...and i felt that such concept is normal and present in most of us..as i found it in most of my family members.
but actually while growing up i saw that promises especially in our country is neglected in a very horrible way..that a man can promise u help in a life changing matter and u still cant count on his promise...that u have to wait till u see a real action which most of the time if not being in return for another favour isnt done....yet this doesnt mean that there is no one out there to respect and count on....the promise keepers are there but they remain few in a very disturbing way...

while growing up we..especially guys lose the morals and concept that actually supposed to make a man who can one day rise another successful man that a country can count on for rising it up...and some ppl might thing a promise isnt that dangerous that it can decide the fate of a whole country and another coming generation....yet a promise-for me- is one of the most important characteristic that build a man who can be capable of being responsible for another family and so for his own country and for it's glory...cause actually working on forming a new family in a corrupted society needs a man with a principle inorder to be able to rise a man who refuse living in any kind of corruption and even try to repair it...
yet i found out that most of our future men who are supposed to build this country and make it a better place...cant even keep a simple promise of arriving somewhere in time !!!....while actually being in time or respecting an appointment u've made with who ever u make it with is listed as a promise to respect...keep and follow...u find very few ppl still respect such promise !!....and the list goes on for such simple actions that we translate as non-bothering ones..are actually life changing ones..

for me i still believe that a man isnt a man without being able to respect those daily promises he makes...cause when a man respect his word...he respect others...he respect his family....and he respect the new family he is going to form and build with someone he is going to respect no matter any change in the circumstances or any kind of problems that are going to face him along the way...leading in the end to a respectable man with a reputation to be always remembered ....leaving behind successful men and women who can lead the world one day..cause he taught them to respect what most of the ppl think isnt worth respect !!

!!...Blurred sights

i just wanted to say NO for those who think that knowing someone for a certain period mean that u can read this someone's mind and thoughts...and even for those who think that doing another wrong step is the right thing to do in order to step forward....cause the human nature force u to think that you're always right and on the right track as long as u feel comfortable...and that u understand everything about everything ...especially when it comes to the life of those close to u...ur beloved ones...u try to convince yourself that u understand them even more than they themselves do !!!... while maybe they didn't even reach such point of understanding !!....and on such concept u go on dealing with most of those close to u...u start translating their actions and taking steps on ur conclusions....unfortunate

ly such attitude drives us to lose alot of ppl for such terrible moves we make or talk we say that can actually be wrongly translated...cause not every move done by someone is meant the same way u want to understand...as if u are kind and naive enough u can see someone breaking an important moral in dealing with u and ur relationship as doing u a favour that you'll nv be able to pay back....or ur bad intentions in someone can lead u to jump into bad conclusions every time anyone do u something with out waiting for a reward !!!...
the real stupidity comes when u reach a point when u believe that u are such an important person that no one can reach u at the top while actually u are at the bottom and those at the top are not caring looking down at u...when u think that u know everything to an extend that drives u to interfere in what u cant even hear for a change and try to give ur opinion without even realizing that such opinion is considered a joke and a waste of time...and yet u believe u know everything and that ur opinion is worth considered !!....
and it just kill me when i see someone think him self smart enough that he try to play a stupid silly game on u thinking that all his steps are smart enough so not to be discovered !!!!....while others act on the basis that he got some super powers of reading minds and he go on telling u that he knows why u did that and why u said this !!!....it's even more annoying when it come to the concept of sacrificing for nothing !!...when someone act as if he is sacrificing for the sake of ur own benefit in something doesnt even exist !!!.....u go on wondering about the mechanism of such brain....while if for a change if he would have asked u he wouldnt have bothered living in an Indianian tragedy for the sake of nothing !!!
for me i met all those kind of ppl....and sometimes without noticing i become one of them...but after all there are those red lines u cant pass...cause sometimes what u do with good intention isnt enough to prove u're good...try to ask rather read minds....try saying i dont know rather than give a disastrous advice....try it for a change maybe it will change something !!!

!!....CHANGE POINT

a failer...a broken heart...those jerks who pass by u...and the friends who let u down...a lost dream ....each leave u with a mark...a scar..a memory....no matter what they leave behind...it change u and change ur life accompanied by the lives of those around u...a change point....we all pass by alot of change points in our lives....some of those change points effect us deeply...while the other pass so fast that u cant realize except when someone point out the change that happened in u...and that's what iam actually living now....iam living a huge change point...where everything seems weird like nv before.....this change point when u feel soo down and u go on feeling more down...while every time u try to get out and breath again...u lose faith...u try to ask for help...but no one ans...cause actually u choose the wrong ppl to ask...so u choose to surrender...u almost sink...until there is this moment...the moment of death... the moment u feel ur soul is saying goodbye forever...leaving ur heart...when u feel that u is leaving u...the change point...this moment when everything seems so clear like nv before....and this cold heart that broke throw ur way down melt ...u cry soo hard and ask allah for help...u feel the pain taring ur heart apart ...that' when u find ur self coming up again....but in a different skin..with a different heart...and a different soul...ur ideas and mechanism of thinking change in a way that the things which used to make no sense before...are the most reasonable facts to follow now...the friends who used to fit u in the past....now look so far away that each one of u walk in his own road and there is no common road to met at...and everything u've planned for and organized become memories...u understand that allah choose u the right way u've nv seen it's benefit on u and how much it fits u except after waking up from such a change point...at such moment ur mum's arms and words seems the most close thing to ur heart....seems the most loyal thing in the world...the most honest promise u can have and trust....and the sokood bet the hands of allah...seems to be the right place to stay in...u feel the calmest emotions u can ever live in ur life...and u feel the effect...the weird effect...of a change point...that made a new man...a new soul..a change point that made...a new U !!!

!!!.....Forever gone

noise...me and my friends laughing loud...it was summer again....nothing new...the same as the last summer...the same place...same ppl...same jokes...same empty hand...same empty heart....different new year.....i was laughing too hard when i heard this unique name breaking throw the gates of my heart....it has been a long time since i last heard this name...this exact name....it was her nickname...this nickname everyone but me used to call her with....i knew we would meet again but not now....not here....i wasnt ready...i didnt want to see her again....or maybe i was too eager to see her again...but iam afraid....afraid of wondering how would she act around me...will she smile her usual charming and friendly smile...or will she just pass me by...i turned around...seconds....second

s that felt like ages....i was afraid to look....to just make sure if that's her or not...seconds...million thoughts ran throw my mind....tore my heart....i wish it's not her.....yet i want to see her again...i miss her like nv before....yet i want to convince my self that i was right when i ended it all...i was right when i convinced myself that one day i'll be able to find someone like her...turning around....it's her...she look different...prettier...softer...i dont know...she just look different..different in a charming way...yet nothing in the world can make me not know her among million of girls...that's her...i know this smile...those bright wide eyes....this welcoming round face...she hugged her friend...and went on laughing...it was her....this is the same joyful person i once lived close to....it's the same childish moves that i used to feel in her voice...the same ringing voice that used to break the ice of my sadness.....she took her friend from the hand and lead her to a gp of ppl....everyone around felt her presence......felt her charm...her charming personality and laugh took over the place as usual....yet she wasnt the most prettiest girl present in the place...everyone was looking at her and admiring her smile....she was warm...just like nv before....glowing like nv before...amazing as ever....i couldnt stop myself from smiling a secret smile...it was her...again...fate brought us together...i knew oneday this will happen....everytime i sit alone and wonder if there will be a day that unite us together again....i feel something strange telling me this day is too soon...everytime i wonder why iam still single until now...something mysterious tell me that the rose i throw will be back to fill my life again....i stood up...came near her to let her know iam back again...to let her feel my presence around her...as i felt the warmness of her presence again...took few steps forward...and i wish i wouldnt have took them...i wish someone stopped me ....i wish i didnt look...i wish i wasnt there.....she was laughing introducing her friend to a guy...a tall young and handsome guy..." this is my fiance" she said....a look of fear controlled my eyes...i was shocked yet i have no right to feel so...a tear took every hope i had with it...she was finally gone...she is now free...she once told me i dont want to leave....but i didnt hear her...she once told me dont lose me....but i broke her heart....she was mine...when i throw her away...now she's with another man when i truly wanted her back....she was happy like nv before...i felt jealous ...why another man take her smile from me just bec i let her go !!....fate was supposed to bring us back together...where is this fate now ??!!....where is this fate when every part of my heart is crying ?!...where is this fate to take her hand away from his ....to put her in mine...i just couldnt move...neither back nor forward !!...standing there in my place...while i heard the clock ticking in my ears...i saw everything collapsing infront of my eyes...i looked at her and i couldnt take my eyes off...i wanted to believe that this is just a dream...or maybe i didnt hear right...but everything around me slapped me on the face telling me u fool that's what she really deserve and that's what u have to suffer for every time she remembered u and regretted knowing such a jerk....
she went on talking to her friend....and i stayed in my place frozen...staring at him...watching his looks at her....those passionate looks that says alot...a man can understand when another man is totally...deeply in love....and this guy...her fiance...was one of those drowning men....his hand holding her's soo tight as if he is holding his little girl's hand afraid of losing her in the crowd...increased the fire burning inside my heart !!
she asked her friend to take them a pic...as if she wanted to make sure i have this pic in my mind till the end of time...infront of my eyes until the day i die...every day...every sec...to remind me of her...another last memory...to make me regret the moment i let her go..another last memory...in order for me to know what she has been going through....to feel each moment...sec of pain she leaved when i was laughing loud...they stood close...smiled...cheers...here it goes...the pic i'll hold for the rest of my life...
that's when i felt my best friend's hand on my shoulder....asking me to go with him back to our friends...i just looked at him with a tear in my eyes..." she's gone...she's forever gone" i said...that's when he smiled at me and held my hand in his : " she was gone since the day u let her go " he said...i turned around remembering her words " everytime i cry...i remember...the sun will definitely rise again tom...tom i'll have what i truly deserve....life will smile at me again...i will smile again...cheer up...have faith...allah will nv let u down "....i love u....now i know i do...may u be happy for the rest of ur life...may life always smile at u...cause u...just u...deserve the best...and now iam sure... iam not !!

!!....till they glow....for me

"the eyes met....and here goes the fast heart beats....and i see him perfect although he may not be the best....but yet he remain the best....the best for me !!...."
this feeling of love which i've nv taste before....the feeling of belonging to someone that sometimes u stop urself from doing so many things that will make u happy for not to make this only one upset....and u feel that there is a reason.... a new reason for u to live...the smile that has no specific reason except remembering ur soulmate who strangely completes u to set a perfect soul......the differences that bother u which appear perfectly matching when it comes to him....
those feelings which i feel i wont be able to really taste one day remain for me the best feelings that one can feel and enjoy...sometimes i feel like longing for someone to be angry at me for a very silly reason....mayeb for just being 5 mins late...a voice shouting out of anger that turns suddenly to a soft voice asking me not to cry...longing for my tears to be worth something...for someone...for only one.
saving my heart...and all of my feelings...my passion for love and my trust....to this soul which i feel it's presence everyday....saving my life...all of my memories...honesty and care....for only one man...the only man for me...yet he is not that easy to find...i believe he is always there for me...just while looking in the eyes of any man i meet...i wonder if those eyes are going to be my ship to the shore....yet i hear no reply....that's when i know....those eyes wont glow for me...and i keep on searching again for the light in someone's else eyes....

!! ....the story of us

introduction :
the place: it doesnt matter where we are as along as the story goes on....the characters : wont matter as long as the story happened to all of us and is still happening and will happen as life goes on....the time : materialistic things wont actually matter now cause u are the one who decide when ur night or morning begin !!!...it's a story of the unknow...the unwanted and the unseen...it's the story of a heart that couldnt bear feeling alone in silence so it choice to be alone with ppl !!...i felt that i want to see every and each feeling from the 2 sides...the bright one and what i call the dark narrow one....i felt like those who live all the time in depression are worth knowing the meaning of those feelings they feel in the eyes of those who still have hope in tom... i dont know what made me choose such topic...maybe bec i used to live in this state...maybe bec i lived both states....i've been depressed like most of my life...then tasted the wonderful feeling of hope.....in the worst moments of my life...discovered that tears arent the solution ...tears wont give u back what's gone....that's why i started to believe that every depressed one out there deserve a chance to know the other side of those strange feelings he feel...while those hopeful others should know that tears arent just a way to show sadness ...they sometimes hold more than that ...

strange feelings....a mixture of strange feelings that leave u confused...same structrue of the heart that beats...but yet....the sound of the beats is nv the same...while u're laughing deep from the heart...someone out there is crying out of sorrow and pain...for a reason or another....those laughter and tears are from the heart !!....
the rose u take and throw....someone out there is keeping in his fav book as a precious memory that will always matter....and even though our minds are in continous state of thinking nothing appears to be completly clear in our eyes...our human nature keeps us from seeing everything regardless how hard we try to...we nv look at anything in the same way....tiny details are differently understood by each and everyone of us...neglected by others....a beautiful butterfly....an angelic laugh of a child...those wide eyes of the girl u love....the hands of ur man holding urs to make sure u know u're not alone....a mother's smile...a father's heart...colors of the sun....brightness that reborn hope in ur spirit and heart....seeing life from the other side.....believeing that everytime u cry.... a smile is going to follow ur tears....hope....this hope i always talk about....isnt just words....it's a feeling.....something i believe in and trust it's existence....a feeling that make u see the sun with a different eye....more brighter....even more beautiful than u've ever seen it before....a feeling that make u see the tough face expressions of an angry man as a scream of help to save him from the burden killing him everyday...so at this moment u can find him an excuse to let it go and forgive his anger....even be nice for a change...a feeling that can change ur life...as it changed mine.....a feeling that creatue dreams....dreams that give u the energy to go on...to move on...to reach the top....with a smile upon ur face....no matter how tired u are !!.....

silence...a moment of silence seperated me from death...inner death...i stopped talkin the moment i thought words wont matter anymore...wont change the fact that everything around me is falling apart.....were just going to break me more....were just going to turn their anger on me...that's why i choice silence...before i lose what's left from my heart..... that's when i felt cold hearted like nv before...at this stage i felt that words wont be able to warm me up...they wont be able to make me feel again....wont be able to bring me my old heart again.....silence was at that time the right choice...or as i thought so ...so not to bother anyone...i love or i dont....so to be remembered by my smile...to be remembered by my laughter.....it felt so hard to open up....didnt want to cry anymore...didnt want to cry in puplic ....felt like my tears werent worth seen by anyone but me...werent worth...for some or for other !!.......it felt like words arent that easy to be said like before...not everyone around u is able to understand the real meaning behind a word u've said..saying..or going to say...with good intention !!....felt like i've lost the naive credit i've used to have as a child..every word counts...that's why i stopped talkin straight from the heart...started to think before i even think to talk...think before i think in a word to say...so instead of tyring me mind thinking for the sake of those who wont understand....i stopped talking... a plain smile...a look...a laugh...a tear...sometimes do better than words in most of the situations if not all of them....that's why iam known with my face expressions...they always say it all...but who actually would understand ur face expression right....sadness sometimes is explained as sillness or undesirable feeling of hatered which doesnt even exist !!....
while now whenever i feel like desiring silence , i know that it's the most suitable time to speak up ......i feel like i need to talk to break the silence before it break me down and kill my spirit ......during the most expected times for me to be depressed and down .....i force myself to feel happy and satisfied without a specific reason or meaning ....so that to feel that the world is acutally mine and i own it .....now without any reason i feel that the best is still yet to come.....trusting ma self after allah.....knowing that i can make it to the end of the road of glory.....knowin that i can......and nothing can stop me now.......knowing that those let downs i've had are meant to be the push ups that are going to lead me to success .....a moment of madness changed my life...turned it upside down...i made a decision to stop being afraid for a while...a decision that helped me gain things i wouldnt have gained by standing still ...acting wise...calm....i wouldnt have gained by acting an adult...wouldnt have gained without acting like a child...without the madness of a child...at a moment madness felt like the right thing to do...words from the heart...weird actions...fast ones !!....a step forward and one quick step back...were able to end it all !!.....were able to find me success ...to bring me joy....no doubt i've lost alot in my way back to my mind.....in my way back to my wisdom...madness was the storm that took so many things...moments...memorie

s ...along the way with it !!.....no matter whom i've lost along the way...now iam sure...after time past ....that madness is a part of me that if those who left werent able to accept it ...then they are not even worth having my wisdom !!......
...a moment of sadness explained me life....made me look closer at things i knew i wouldnt have seen if my eyes werent purified by tears of pain and sorrow....unjusdice that tought me the real meaning of humanitiy ......feeling broken....the only feeling that tought me the real meaning of strength....that gave me the strenght to stand up again and be how iam.....a hug i've needed at the moment when everyone around me turned their back on me....a hug i've given to myself that tought me how to care for myself when nobody around care to do so...sadness tought me forgivness which is another feeling i've nv had the pleasure of tasting before that time...before this moment !!...
those strange feelings changed me soo much to an extend that i feel that if i had to meet the old me i wont know her or like her......this change that tought me that u cant be perfect.....but u can work to be a semi perfect person learning what u can learn and changing something u think need to be changed to make life a better one to live.....maybe it wont be an invention.....maybe it wont be a long term change......maybe it's gone be a simple article.....friendship.....a stand up for the sake of the truth but at least u tried while someone else gave up , at least u took the risk while someone else prefered walking the ordinary road ......and now no matter what iam facing .....i know that silence isnt the right thing to do....no matter where iam going iam willing to take the risk and make a change....no matter who much ppl change...iam stucking to my plans....no matter who much i take....iam going to give as much as i can .....even if it's going to be through a simple note ....a smile a draw on someone's i dont know face...

!!and we will keep on searching

walking alone in the dark !!....trying to reach ur destination...trying to find another save place...at first the feeling of being in the dark kills u...then it annoy u ...then u go on wondering when it's going to be over...then by time u get used to the darkness of the night while the sun is clear in the sky...the blindness while opening ur eyes...u get used to feeling nothing toward everything....praying start to become some moves u daily perform...that if u kept on performing !!...while death time by time start to leave nothing in ur soul...u dont feel scared that one day u're going to face it urself....u dont even feel sad for those who left ...the spirital stuff any human being is suppose to feel cant penetrate ur soul anymore...like ramadan that most of the ppl told me cant feel it's presence anymore...they feel it's an ordinary month with some exception in the timing of eating and some extra movements called praying...sad isnt it ?!!...
tons and millions of sins u commit everyday...we commit everyday....but a human differ from the other that one is capable to go home at the end of the day ...pray and ask for allah's forgivness..purifing his soul from all those sins that would kill it...while the other go on committing more sins before sleeping not caring what would be the end like !!!.......
and that isnt enough yet u keep on bringing up excuses in a try to kill what's left from ur conscience..that if u still have one !! ...u go on trying to convince urself that what ever u are doing and blocking the way between u and ur creature is the right thing to do in a world where the right and wrong appears to be the same !!....the thing and it's totall opposite lay infront of ur eyes...u look at them...u see no difference....u pick and choose without thinking that one day u'll be asked about what've choosen and why this one and not the other ?!!...ur conscience which u've killed with ur own hands cant do it's job and guide u to see those difference that really counts.....yet picking isnt a random process which doesnt have any rules...unfortunatly the rules are there kept in a book that everyone of us seems to be afraid to read and think of it's words... and maybe for a change search for what's right to be done in it...cause those difference lay in bet it's words and the solution for everything is there and we love tiring ourselves looking for it somewhere else !!!....and we will keep on searching !!!

!!just for u......i love u soo much

too weak that i cant stand up....needing ur hands to be my supporters...to lead me to the right path...to help me gain my strength back...too weak that everything around me seems so strange...needing ur wise words to guide me...explain to me what i cant understand and make it easier to figure it out...too weak that life seems so dark...needing ur eyes to show me the brightness which i cant see...to show me the colours i've forgot...to make me see the world again...too weak that i feel soo lonely...needing ur arms to hold me..to make me feel worthy again...too weak that i feel that love is 4ever gone..that i've lost my faith in ppl's kindess ...in men's humanity....in the good in ppl....needing ur kind heart to show me that no matter what , there will always be pure love around us...too weak and ur strength has been always my strength supply....may allah keep u always beside me to supply me from the strength of ur soul...
when u traveled for 10 days i felt like the world is empty around me...like u took my spirit with u and left me helpless...i felt like i need to cry but who will know that iam crying ??!!...i felt sad and lonely cause no one understood from my eyes that something is wrong...i missed my soul...my soulmate...my true friend...my saver..
10 days were just enough for me to know that life is worth nothing without u...were enough for me to understand that i would have worth nothing without ur presence ...were enough to make me understand and believe that iam who iam just bec u are my mother...10 days i found no one to talk to and share every tiny detail that had happened in my daily life without feeling bored or losing the intereset to listen...they just made me feel that no friend in the world can take ur place...no one in the world can understand me better...and nv missunderstand me...that no one around me can believe in me the way u do...10 days without someone yelling at me bec i didnt clean my room...bec i want to do something that i cant see it's harmful side the way u do ...
10 days were enough mum to make me understand that i wont do it through a moment in my life without u ....i love u mum that i love my weakness..cause without it i wouldnt have felt the glory of ur strength :)
N.B: this note is dedicated to my mother and soulmate..to my guide in life..my life and my everything ...i love u mumy :)

!!??...."my heart asks ,"will u..

Now that She's gone.... i wonder will u miss her ?? ...will u miss her smile...her childish laugh....her pure eyes ...before u ans remember that it was ur choice...it was ur decision...u opened her the door urself... so now... will u miss her ??!...will u miss her anger ??...her tears... did they even ever matter before ?! ....i know they will now when u see someone else but u caring for her...when u find her finding another shoulder to cry on ...then those tears will burn u with sorrow and pain... so think twice before u ans ....will u miss her ?!....cause maybe u'll do when ur 5 years daughter's heart remind u of her heart that u find out too late that u've let go the only heart that was pure enough to truly love....cause maybe u'll do when ur mum's kidness and actions remind u of her that u feel that she was more than a girl for u ..she was a mother too....
now that she's gone...i wonder will u feel a huge gap in ur life ??!!....will her presence now matter ??!!....will u wonder whom she is with and who's enjoying the sight of her smile ??!.....will u feel guilty that the one who used to share ur dreams is sharing her dreams with someone else but u ??....will u ever ask urself such questions to an extend that freak u out and make u wonder was this decision the right one to take ....was letting her go...watching her leave...feeling this space...the right decision...
now that she's gone are u wondering will the one that will come after her full ur life with happiness ...make u smile...dream with u..take care of u....laugh when she is soo sad just to brighten ur days as she used to do ??...are u still wondering if she's fine...keeping well..happy as before...feeling u're gone too ..or she moved on with her life...and u became a memory...if someone won her heart..or she is still as u left her...empty hearted ??!!.....are u still wondering if she was the one or the one is still to come ??!!....now that she's forever gone ....are u happy ??!..
look closer...she's still not gone yet ...u can catch her before it's too late...the question is ..will u be too wise and less blind to understand the fact that if she opened that door and leave she'll nv come back...and that if u lost her u'll nv find her again or not ...will u ................??!!.....

!!!...seriously on ur own

ladies and gentelmen ....it's time to bring the nasty character on !!
first i need to announce that from now on , every person is responsible for his own actions , no matter what u are related to the person sitting beside u .. forget it ....u wont find enough time to ask for his/her help or even help them .... now u are on ur own ....seriously on ur own !!
cause after all this game depends on timing and how jerky u can get.... can u be a jerk ??! ....think twice .. bec being noble might not help u in such situation u are in....and being a jerk might not help u either...but which road to choose ??..now it's ur turn...u choose ...didnt i tell u u're on ur own ..seriously on ur own !!
it's a simple game .....very simple but yet very complicated .....the rules are easy to follow and very easy to break ...but yet the punishment for breaking them isnt as easy as breaking them .... so from now on ppl take care before u step forward in whatever... the rules are hidden everywhere around u ...u search for them...find them and follow them ....and try not to break them ....just try maybe u are the one who is meant to make it through his road without breaking what he's not even noticing !!
still didnt get it ...did u ??!.. it's not as difficult as it seems ..it just need u to think deeper than ever ... to work harder and find the solution for what u call now a mysterious talk....the whole secret is kept in counting on urself and learning to be on ur own .. seriously on ur own !!
the trip is all yours now ...u have no company ...do it's ur duty now to walk it or quit ..but remember .. the decision u'll take u cant take back...if u decided walking the road ...there is no turning back ..and if u decided to quit then there is no either a turn back ...someone else will take ur place and u cant take it back...but dont worry ...u can pick up some company through ur road ...but still it's ur duty to choose who's to pick up and whose to pass through ...ur own decision ...
but still one day when u start thinking deeper and working harder to figure it out ...u'll find out that u were not alone all along the way ....u acutally had the best company since day one in ur trip but u are the one and only one who choose either to keep them or let them go ...and that nothing in ur trip was really ur choice ...it was all rearranged even ur decision was already known before u think or taking it ...weird ha ....in the end u'll find that the rules were easy to follow ...cause they are naturly in u ... u were born with them...but the only difficulty was in fighting the devils that pump up everywhere u go...and even the punishment ..u are the one who decide taking it or not ..cause there is always a way back and u know this very well .
i meant it when i said the game is simple ...and the rules are easy to follow ... and i was right when i said u are on ur own.. cause u and only u have the choice to choose one thing and only one thing all through the trip road ..which is are u ready to walk it in the noble suit or u are choosing the jerk's one...this one and only this one is the one u can choose on ur own .....seriously on ur own !!!!

!!!.....It hurts when

It's nv easy to feel lonely when u have those dear and close to ur heart around u...... to feel lonely when u are sitting with the ones u love..... nv easy when u feel that the most ones who are suppose to understand u ..... support u and care for ur tears are not there as expected.... it hurts when u need them but u dont find them..... it hurts when u find urself lonely but u cant ask for company bec such company is not to be asked for..... it's to be offered.......to be felt..... to be there without asking them to
It's nv easy when u feel that u've stood alot with alot of ppl in all the moments they've past..... even if those moments werent as painful as they felt then but u cared......... no matter how much the situation was simple..........u didnt give up on them bec u knew at that moment it's not that simple for them......bec at that moment u felt their pain and understood it.......bec at that moment u put urself in their situation to know that they truly need u to support them so they would get through what they are facing........ so it's nv easy when u feel that u wont get throw what u're feeling except with those near to ur heart support ....... but yet they are not there for u...... and it hurts when u cry infront of someone close to u and feel that ur tears arent that important to them......their effect isnt as u've expected........their action toward them isnt as u've expected .....and yet u try to convince urself that u're wrong .....and that they have their own way in caring for u .......and u wait for this own way .......but u nv get it .......and yet u wait more and more convincing urself that maybe u didnt wait enough .
It hurts when u smile while ur crying in the inside......when u smile just to not show those near to ur heart that u're in pain .....so not to bother them and make them feel sorry for u.....but yet they are still too blind to see those tears in ur eyes that u claim to be tears of laughter !!
It hurts when u fight urself so not to change .....when u fight ur thoughts that ask u to stop caring .....to stop being nice yet u know that u wont stop caring bec it's not something that u can stop..... It hurts when u fight ur thoughts that ask u to give up on them ....and u know in the end that even if u decided to .....u cant ..... bec it's not someting that u can do....as u wont accept giving up on them and make them feel this feeling of being lonely even for one sec.
sometimes it hurts to be u .....sometimes it hurts to expect things and nv get them....and it hurts the most when u lose ur dreams that u went on building all those long nights .....when u have to change ur path in life..... and it hurts when those near and close to u dont show support at this exact moment.....dont understand u or dont even care for ur tears .
but yet those scars that are left at the end..... dont mean that u're not loved or that u're not good enough as others ....but maybe they mean that u have a heart that is greater than anyone..... maybe it means that u're good enough to not be like others..... maybe they mean that those close to ur heart are more than blessed to have u in their life and sometimes they mean that u're just the right person in the wrong life .

صراع نفسي القلابة......

....جزء مني يحبك و جزء اخر يكرهك......... و انا لا اعلم ايهما اكبر...... و لا ايهما احب الي قلبي..... فْأنت في دمي كالداء تجري تكاد تقتلني ......و لكن ان تخلصت منك توقف جربان الدم في عروقي ......و مت........ و انني حقا لا اعلم اذا كان علي ان احبك ام ان قلبي يمنعني عن حبك حتي لا احبك لانه يجب علي الا احبك....... فسيقتلني ان لم تحبني انت و اخاف عليك من حبي...... فخوفي ان تحبني فاجرحك بالا احبك انا...... او الا تحبني انت فاحبك انا وحدي...... و في بعض الاحيان اجد فيك حلمي ثم يتغير حلمي فلا اجده معك......و اثق كل الثقة في انك ان احببتني ستصونني و لكن لا اعلم ان كان هذا هو كل ما احتاج اليه لاعيش سعيدة...... و تجذبني اليك صفاتك ثم تنفرني منك احدهم.....و اجد نفسي تقترب منك ثم عندما تقترب انت اجدها منك تبتعد..... و لحقا-بالرغم من ثقتي فيك- اخاف كثيرا علي نفسي منك..... و اخاف اكثر عليك منها فهي قلابة الطبع.....لا تثبت علي راي ابدا..... تريد من يحكمها بقبضة من حديد من دون ان يحاول ان يتملكها..... و انت رجلا رقيق القلب لا يعرف قلبك للحدبد معني معي ...... و بالرغم من انني اعلم انك اذا احببتني ستحاول جاهدا ان ترضني.... و لكنني ايضا اعلم ان نفسي الانانية ستتعبك..... فهي لن تبالي لمحاولاتك ان لم تكن بالشكل الذي يرضيها -و ان كانت كثيرة في نظرك- و ستحاول دائما ان تجد فيك الكمال..... و الكمال عندها مقاييسه صعبة المنال...... لذلك لن تجده فيك _ او حتي في غيرك- .....و هي تعلم انه مهما حاولت و بحثت فلن تجده....... حيث لا وجود للكمال - سوي عند الله سبحانه و تعالي - و لكنها ْتأخذه حجتها حتي لا ترضي بما هو اقل من المتوقع فتصاب بالاحباط و خيبة الامل..... و حقا انا لا اعلم اذا كان هذا عيب ام ميزة و لكن بغض النظر عن تصنيفها..... فان اريدك اذا اححببتني ان تحبني كما انا .....و لهذا اخاف عليك ان تعرف حقيقة من انا..... فتنتقدها و عندها ان احببتك لن احتمل نقدك و لن اقبله.... و سابتعد.....و انا لا اريد ان ابتعد عنك..... لذلك دعنا هكذا..... فسواء ظننت انا انك عرفتني ام لم تعرفني فسابقي متاكدة ان قلبك الرقيق يعرف كيف يتعامل مع نفسي القلابة.....و سواء اححببتك ام كرهتك...... انا متاكدة من وجودك بجانبي........ و هذا حقا يا حبيبي هو كل ما احتاج اليه.....

لحظة.......

طلما تخيلتنا معا فوق سطح أحد الجبال العالية...... في منتصف الليل........فوقنا السماء الصافية بنجومها المضيئة.......لتضمني في أحضانك.........فأتمل أنا القمر المكتمل......... و أنت تتأملني.... تسند رأسك علي رأسي لتشم عطر شعري....... و تضمني أكثر.......... و كأنك تخاف أن يخطف الهوي هذه النفحات...........يتولي الصمت زمام الأمور ليعبر عما لا يمكن للكلام وصفه...........لنجلس بالساعات في هذه اللحظة الصامتة التي تغني عن كل لحظات الكلام........... فأنا أعلم كل ما يدور في خاطرك...... و أنت تقرأ أفكاري من دون أن أتكلم.......... فكلانا يكمل الآخر.......فكلانا يحمل قلب الآخر......... و أعود للواقع فأجده بجانبك أجمل من الخيال و التخيل......فعندما تحتضنني أشعر أنني علي قمة أعلي الجبال........ لتكون عيونك هما أحلي نجوم مضيئة....... و وجهك هو قمري المكتمل....... فأعرف عذوبة أن أري القمر يتأملني و أنا أتأمله..........و تمر علينا الساعات فلا أشعر بهذا الصمت الذي كنت أتخيله.......... فلقد مرت معك ساعات عمري كلها........ لحظة

أندر النساء .......

تأملتها و هي تصارع النوم حتي تظل مستيقظة معي لتأنسني و أنا أعمل....... تدعي النشاط لتبقيني يقظا حتي أنتهي من عملي.....فتذكرت كيف كنت لطلما أبحث عن أمرأة تدفعني في كل ثانية علي أن أشتاق لها.....علي أن أشتاق لأن أجلس لأتحدث معها عن كل ما يدور في خاطري بدون حذر أو خجل...... أشكي لها مخوفي كلها من بدون أن أشعر بالضعف...... أبكي أمامها من بدون أن أشعر بالخذي عندما تمد يدها الحنون لتكفف دموعي......تذكرت كيف كنت أبحث في لهفة عن أمرآة لتكون أقرب شخص إلي قلبي..... و عقلي في آن واحد حتي جاءتني من عدم....... و كأنها ولدت لأجدها أنا....... و أنا وحدي في يوما ما........ فالان لا أتخيل أن يمر يوم من دون أن أسمع فيه ضحكتها الطفولية.......البريئة...... حتي عندما علي غير عادتها الباسمة..... تبكي....... أفعل ما بوسعي حتي أضحكها بشكل أو بأخر...... ليس فقط بدافع حبي الشديد لها...... أو لأني لا أتحمل رؤيت دموعها الغالية....... و لكن كان جزء من محولاتي المستميتة لأضحكها هو بدافع أنانيتي لأحصل من ضحكتها علي الحنان الذي يقوني للصمود في هذا العالم القاسي.....تذكرت كيف كنت قبل لقائها أنظر الي الأشياء بنظرة مختلفة...... فلم أكن أري القمر علي أنه كوكبي الخاص.... و أن ملكه كما تصفه هي و تتخيله برقة مشاعرها...... فهي جميلة..... و رقيقة.... و جملها ليس في ملامحها الطفولية فقط......علي قدر ما هو في عينيها الحنونتين......و وجهها المضئ بنور أبتسامتها التي لا تفارق وجنتاها الورديتين..... فأنا لم أشعر بقوتي و قدرتي علي فعل المستحيل مثلما شعرت عندما لمست يدها لأول مرة.....عندها رأيت وجنتاها يتحولان من اللون الوردي الهادئ إلي اللون الأحمر الصاخب..... فلا عرفب عيني جمال مثل جمالها في هذه اللحظة..... فتذكرت كم مضي علي وجودنا معا لأتأكد أنني حظيت بواحدة من أندر النساء...... و أندر النساء ليست أجملهم كما يظن البعض..... و لكن أندرهم هي التي تجبرك علي حبها من دون أن تشعر.....تحاول جاهدا أن تجد فيها عيب يعبها..... و يعطيك مبرر إلا تحبها لكنك عوضا علي ذلك تكتشف فيها ميزة آخري تزيدك تعلقا بها....... فكل ما فيها رقيق كالندي يدفعك للغرق تطوعا في بحر حبها.... و تسبح فيه للداخل أكثر ظنن منك أنك تسبح تجاه الشط ......و حبيبتي هي حقا واحدة من أندرهم فلقد غرقت تطوعا في بحرها...... و سأستمر في السباحة للداخل تطوعا حتي أموت غرقا ....... في نفس هذه اللحظة جاءت لتنهي حواري اللذيذ مع نفسي بصوتها الحنون....... ترجوني أن أذهب للنوم لأستريح فلم أستطع منع نفسي من أخذها في أحضاني لتؤكد لي سعادة حظي......... الذي كنت أشك سابقا في أمتلاكه.....